Hi. This is the first in my series of blogs, which will persist as long as I have fingers with which to type.
The primary topic will be relationships, and then other less important topics such as politics and insect gourmet.
Ok, that being said let's get into it.
INTRODUCTION
Since the dawn of man, there have been relationships. Usually they are between men and women, but sometimes they occur between men and men or women and women. The former is normal, while the other two aberrations serve the planet well by decreasing the population through reduced procreation and increased fatal diseases.
Tips for guys:
Ok, time for my expert advice on gettin' chicks, and what to do once you get 'em.
Gettin' chicks:
First off, if you want to get laid soon, you need to spot the girls who will put out early. Look for these key indicators of low self-respect: smoking, tattoos, body modifications, black clothing, and make-up. Bars are a good place for this, because people here have no interests or hobbies except for destroying their brains with alcohol and engaging in mundane conversation with other idiots.
#1. BE AN ASSHOLE.
Chicks love assholes. Some guys learn this the hard way, by being nice, and winding up with lots of female friends and very little sex. There is no reason to have female friends, unless you are using them to meet their hot friends. So don't worry about being "friends first". "Friends later if you're really that great" is more sensible. Most girls aren't great, but that's okay. Use them for sex until you tire of them. Then tell them "let's just be friends." This will break their hearts and they will hate you and never call you again. Don't feel bad. A chick uses a guy for his personality and intelligence, because her friends lack both. It's a fair trade.
#2. DANCE ONCE WITH THEM.
It sounds stupid, but it's true. Everyone knows real men don't dance. There is only one situation when you have to dance with a girl -- when you have to. For some reason, chicks like guys to do one faggy thing before sleeping with them. So dance once with them, for one song only. Then turn around and dance one song with another girl. This will hurt the first girl's self-esteem, which is key to making them put out early. Remember, girls who have sex early on have low self-esteem. Beyond that you're gay.
One you've got them.
Okay, by now you've weeded out all the submentals and have a relationship with someone you like. Congratulations! Did you remember to get an STD check?
Make the rules:
She needs to be aware of her role in the relationship (sex & food provider, janitor) and when she's allowed to speak. When is she allowed to speak? This varies between women. If she is a mute, then she is allowed to speak whenever she likes. Use your best judgement.
There are certain things she should never be allowed to say, however. I will save you many hurt feelings by listing them now, as well as the recommended responses and punishments.
#1. "You look cute."
Your response to this decidedly cruel & emasculating remark is, "You look like a man. But you'd be cute if you shaved your face."
#2. "We're you looking at that woman/girl/quadriplegic ?"
Of course you were! It's instinctive! If you didn't have those instincts then you'd be gay! Let her know that when an attractive woman walks by, it's best to just pretend nothing happened. The punishment for this should be solitary confinement in the utility closet and $300 for a nice hooker.
Well, this blog will continued next time!
